[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning