There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
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Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?