adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Woke up against my better judgment again
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.