If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Oops
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Gods work.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Self-cleaning conscience
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*