What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?