Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
You Might Also Like
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam