Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.