[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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I thought this was funny lol
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
🙅🏻
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY