Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
You Might Also Like
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.