*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.