My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
You Might Also Like
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~