Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
me and who
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to