Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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when dads have a rap battle
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Go girl power!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
This a good idea
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor