Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily