yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Cheers Twitter.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.