Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”