Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’