Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
stand with me against insufficient seating
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
at ease…shoulder.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing