Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-