Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
This could’ve been an email.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.