Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life