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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?