Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
CRYING
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
This made me chuckle cuz mood
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl