Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
this is 10/10 content no notes
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?