“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Growing up was a huge mistake
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad