*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.