SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”