*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?