Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather