GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
But wait…
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.