Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.