reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*