Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The second world war should have been called world war returns