If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!