I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)