We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day