My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead