as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
wtf management?!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem