Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy