My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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But is it really??
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel