Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The photographer’s assistant
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them