Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.