No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony