I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.