4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
You Might Also Like
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Thank you corporation very cool
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”