Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You Might Also Like
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
This was my dad’s browser history.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG