Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.