Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.