[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
No, YOUR illiterate.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it