I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You Might Also Like
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Money is the root of all wealth
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.